learning to drive
when I was 15, I acquired a driver's permit and my mom took me to an empty Value Village parking lot a few blocks from the DMV to teach me to drive.
I remember getting in the driver's seat and having absolutely no clue what to do next. I had never turned a key in an ignition. I had never put a car into gear. I had never pressed a gas pedal. I had never even used a blinker.
I had become surprisingly comfortable in the passenger's seat. Admiring the glove box and the spacious room for my feet.
The day I turned 15, I was thrown into the driver's seat.
Luckily my mom was there to cheer me on.
She sat in the passenger's seat with a lump in her throat. Her right hand grasped the "oh sh*!" handle and her left hand laid over her heart- grasping her seat belt for dear life.
That night, in that empty lot, I mastered the art of driving slowly in a straight line.
Then she asked me if I was ready to drive home.
I was not.
When it did come time to drive in traffic, my mom continued to sit in the seat with every muscle contracted.
As I approached a line of cars stopped for a red light my mom would yell, "BRAKES ELLIE!" or "brakesbrakesbrakesbrakesbrakes". I know now that it was to help me and to keep us safe, but it felt like she didn't trust me to do it on my own.
When I turned 16, I got my license, and my own car so my dear mother was no longer worried about me totaling hers. After lots of practice I was finally comfortable in the driver's seat. (though it would still take me some time to master driving on the freeway)
Three years ago, I moved away from home to go to college. I felt my mom again saying, "brakesbrakesbrakesbrakesbrakes" as everything changed. I had become comfortable behind the wheel of my Volvo, but now I was on my own two feet. I didn't know the names of the streets, or which way was east, or how I got from high school to here.
It has been 1,130 days since my first day of college. I have become comfortable in my role as a Gonzaga student. I have mastered the art of registering for classes. I have mastered the art of emailing professors. I have mastered the art of writing papers the night before they are due (woops).
I am now 215 days from graduation from Gonzaga.
I have no idea what I am doing. I have never graduated from college before. I have never searched for a long term full time job. I have never spent this much money on anything before. I have never been so clueless.
I have never wanted to hit the brakes so hard.
But life has shown me that the brakes don't always work. I have to move forward. I have to learn something new. I have to my risk comfort for what will me move me.
When Jesus is instructing his disciples on what to do after He's gone. He does not say "hit the brakes" or "coast for a little while, see what happens"
No, he says, "GO!"
"therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"
I am definitely a creature of habit. I like comfort. But if there is anything that the Lord has taught me in the last few months, it's that He desires for us to change and to grow, which is something that scares me.
Ben Rector has a new song called Fear & in it he says, "I learned to dance with the fear that I'd been running from" and I think that this is what I need to do (listen to the song here)
I know that in the next year a lot of things will change. I do not know how to do manage these things yet.
Here's to trusting Jesus to teach me something new this year. Here's to following His lead.
I remember getting in the driver's seat and having absolutely no clue what to do next. I had never turned a key in an ignition. I had never put a car into gear. I had never pressed a gas pedal. I had never even used a blinker.
I had become surprisingly comfortable in the passenger's seat. Admiring the glove box and the spacious room for my feet.
The day I turned 15, I was thrown into the driver's seat.
Luckily my mom was there to cheer me on.
She sat in the passenger's seat with a lump in her throat. Her right hand grasped the "oh sh*!" handle and her left hand laid over her heart- grasping her seat belt for dear life.
That night, in that empty lot, I mastered the art of driving slowly in a straight line.
Then she asked me if I was ready to drive home.
I was not.
When it did come time to drive in traffic, my mom continued to sit in the seat with every muscle contracted.
As I approached a line of cars stopped for a red light my mom would yell, "BRAKES ELLIE!" or "brakesbrakesbrakesbrakesbrakes". I know now that it was to help me and to keep us safe, but it felt like she didn't trust me to do it on my own.
When I turned 16, I got my license, and my own car so my dear mother was no longer worried about me totaling hers. After lots of practice I was finally comfortable in the driver's seat. (though it would still take me some time to master driving on the freeway)
Three years ago, I moved away from home to go to college. I felt my mom again saying, "brakesbrakesbrakesbrakesbrakes" as everything changed. I had become comfortable behind the wheel of my Volvo, but now I was on my own two feet. I didn't know the names of the streets, or which way was east, or how I got from high school to here.
It has been 1,130 days since my first day of college. I have become comfortable in my role as a Gonzaga student. I have mastered the art of registering for classes. I have mastered the art of emailing professors. I have mastered the art of writing papers the night before they are due (woops).
I am now 215 days from graduation from Gonzaga.
I have no idea what I am doing. I have never graduated from college before. I have never searched for a long term full time job. I have never spent this much money on anything before. I have never been so clueless.
I have never wanted to hit the brakes so hard.
But life has shown me that the brakes don't always work. I have to move forward. I have to learn something new. I have to my risk comfort for what will me move me.
When Jesus is instructing his disciples on what to do after He's gone. He does not say "hit the brakes" or "coast for a little while, see what happens"
No, he says, "GO!"
"therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"
Matthew 28:19&20
I am definitely a creature of habit. I like comfort. But if there is anything that the Lord has taught me in the last few months, it's that He desires for us to change and to grow, which is something that scares me.
Ben Rector has a new song called Fear & in it he says, "I learned to dance with the fear that I'd been running from" and I think that this is what I need to do (listen to the song here)
I know that in the next year a lot of things will change. I do not know how to do manage these things yet.
Here's to trusting Jesus to teach me something new this year. Here's to following His lead.
Nice essay Ellie!
ReplyDelete"I have no idea what I am doing." Join the club, one I am still sometimes in, since I was never one of those people who just knew I wanted to be a molecular biologist at age seventeen.
Go out there and do good things because there is not enough of that.