truth

Last week my Free Will Horoscope said this: "I advise you to climb a tall peak and deliver the spicy monologue that has been marinating within you...You simply need to be gazing at the big picture as you declare your big, ripe truths. "

While I am a little late to the game, I feel as though a monologue has been marinating and it is ready to be shared.

Ever since I was younger, I have had fear I cannot explain.

I remember not being able to sleep even when I was really young.  I would stay up worrying about whether or not my kids would be able to make friends at school.  When I learned about adoption, I was afraid that I was adopted and I would never know my real parents.  After 9-11, I had a dream that my mom enlisted in the Army, and I didn't let her out of my sight for weeks, in constant fear that I would be left alone.

This same fear came back when I was a senior in high school, and was trying to figure out what in the world I was supposed to do next.  I suddenly felt like whatever I did would be the 'wrong' decision- and that there was no good way to move forward.  That decision affected everything that came after- and I was unprepared to deal with the consequences.

When I was at Gonzaga and I wasn't able to curl up and cry like I did at home (#roommates), I went to the student chapel.  The stained glass windows reminded me of my elementary school and the comfort of something familiar.  It was always quiet in there at night and I could sit and breathe and talk to Jesus until I felt better.

This same fear has been creeping back in lately.  It's a feeling a can't explain and its a feeling I can't shake.  I have been a season in transition for the last several months and am in anticipation of what comes next.

I'm living with my parents and looking for places to live on my own- and suddenly I'm struck with the thought that I will never be able to buy my own home.  I am attending church and a small group, but I still feel like I haven't found the right group of people.  And then the irrationality kicks in- what if I never find the community I desire.

This week I was hit hard.  I didn't feel like myself.  I needed a reset.

In a conversation with my boyfriend, I confessed that I wasn't sleeping and was feeling off.  He asked me why I put so much thought into the scary stuff, and I admitted that sometimes it felt like it has power over me.  He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as I cried and told me that it didn't have to.  In the end, the light outshines the dark.

I texted a dear friend of mine and asked for prayer because I wanted to get out of this rut.  She replied with not just an offer for prayer, but so much encouragement.  She reminded me of my quest to be brave and how I worked through whatever was thrown at me.  She reminded me of Romans 8:38 that says, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

After a few days of dragging my feet, I did what I always do when I feel like this.  I got in bed at 9 pm with a cup of tea and I read the Psalms.  It's a simple routine, but it's magic I swear.  This is something I have done for years and it always seems to bring me back.

I have a special relationship with the Psalms because I like the way they are written.  Some are songs of praise, and others are songs of lament.  Reading them connects me to people who have been crying out to the Lord for thousands of years.  It makes me feel like I am not alone in both my fear and my faith.

I read Psalms of both lament and praise.  In a way I could relate to both.  I read and reread Psalm 56.  I have the last line of this Psalm tattooed on my left foot.  It is a song of praise that has led me through the last four years of my life- but it's so much more than that.  The third verse says, "When I am afraid I put my trust in you" and the ninth verse says, "I know that God is for me".  And the final line: "You have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk in the light of the Lord" 

These are not new truths.  They are truths that were written thousands of years ago, and they have been truths for thousands of people before me.

But this is my truth: when I am afraid, I turn to the Lord.  And I know that he will always be waiting for me there.

p.s. "No Longer Slaves" has been my anthem this week, give it a listen.

Last week my Free Will Horoscope said this: "I advise you to climb a tall peak and deliver the spicy monologue that has been marinating within you...You simply need to be gazing at the big picture as you declare your big, ripe truths. "

While I am a little late to the game, I feel as though a monologue has been marinating and it is ready to be shared.

Ever since I was younger, I have had fear I cannot explain.

I remember not being able to sleep even when I was really young.  I would stay up worrying about whether or not my kids would be able to make friends at school.  When I learned about adoption, I was afraid that I was adopted and I would never know my real parents.  After 9-11, I had a dream that my mom enlisted in the Army, and I didn't let her out of my sight for weeks, in constant fear that I would be left alone.

This same fear came back when I was a senior in high school, and was trying to figure out what in the world I was supposed to do next.  I suddenly felt like whatever I did would be the 'wrong' decision- and that there was no good way to move forward.  That decision affected everything that came after- and I was unprepared to deal with the consequences.

When I was at Gonzaga and I wasn't able to curl up and cry like I did at home (#roommates), I went to the student chapel.  The stained glass windows reminded me of my elementary school and the comfort of something familiar.  It was always quiet in there at night and I could sit and breathe and talk to Jesus until I felt better.

This same fear has been creeping back in lately.  It's a feeling a can't explain and its a feeling I can't shake.  I have been a season in transition for the last several months and am in anticipation of what comes next.

I'm living with my parents and looking for places to live on my own- and suddenly I'm struck with the thought that I will never be able to buy my own home.  I am attending church and a small group, but I still feel like I haven't found the right group of people.  And then the irrationality kicks in- what if I never find the community I desire.

This week I was hit hard.  I didn't feel like myself.  I needed a reset.

In a conversation with my boyfriend, I confessed that I wasn't sleeping and was feeling off.  He asked me why I put so much thought into the scary stuff, and I admitted that sometimes it felt like it has power over me.  He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as I cried and told me that it didn't have to.  In the end, the light outshines the dark.

I texted a dear friend of mine and asked for prayer because I wanted to get out of this rut.  She replied with not just an offer for prayer, but so much encouragement.  She reminded me of my quest to be brave and how I worked through whatever was thrown at me.  She reminded me of Romans 8:38 that says, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

After a few days of dragging my feet, I did what I always do when I feel like this.  I got in bed at 9 pm with a cup of tea and I read the Psalms.  It's a simple routine, but it's magic I swear.  This is something I have done for years and it always seems to bring me back.

I have a special relationship with the Psalms because I like the way they are written.  Some are songs of praise, and others are songs of lament.  Reading them connects me to people who have been crying out to the Lord for thousands of years.  It makes me feel like I am not alone in both my fear and my faith.

I read Psalms of both lament and praise.  In a way I could relate to both.  I read and reread Psalm 56.  I have the last line of this Psalm tattooed on my left foot.  It is a song of praise that has led me through the last four years of my life- but it's so much more than that.  The third verse says, "When I am afraid I put my trust in you" and the ninth verse says, "I know that God is for me".  And the final line: "You have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk in the light of the Lord" 

These are not new truths.  They are truths that were written thousands of years ago, and they have been truths for thousands of people before me.

But this is my truth: when I am afraid, I turn to the Lord.  And I know that he will always be waiting for me there.

p.s. "No Longer Slaves" has been my anthem this week, give it a listen.